Tina K
Where are you going, where have you been?
My dear, close, and quiet friend,
As we sit in the soft springtime Saturday's end
Taking comfort in each other once again.
Tell me your stories and I'll tell you mine;
And so we will pass a few hours time
With the quaint and the comic and even sublime -
Silently searching for that elusive sign.
We'll fashion the future and polish the past,
Allowing the memories to amass;
While the grains of sand slip through the glass
'Til a tranquil lull pervades at last.
Conversation fades with the eve's golden light,
We cannot go on, try though we might;
So you gather me an embrace so tight,
And we wistfully, longingly say goodnight
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Accepting Uncertainty
I feel a irrepressible desire to write. Just as I have felt an irrepressible desire to read when I was walking through the rows and rows of endless mindless shops, all advertising their sale. I have felt this way ever since I came back from a thoroughly soul-cleansing journey through Europe. During the trip, I contemplated on the purpose of my life, and revisited fundamental spiritual questions that so used to intrigue me years ago, but have faded away since I got seduced into the bedazzling material world. What am I to do in my life? What kind of person am I, and who do I want to be? What makes me happy? What is meaningful? These are more than mere esoteric pursuits in my head, for they arose out of very practical circumstances.
I am in a transition in my life. I have graduated but I have no certainty over my future. It is during this period of immense pressure, as I see my peers getting their jobs and on with life, that I began to question the assumptions I held dear about myself. All along, I had somehow assumed that my good grades in university surely meant something. I have worked hard, I got my results, and surely that proves my "abilities" and that someone, some company, would surely appreciate and hire me? I have tossed the question of securing a job to the back of my head, choosing instead to indulge in the last moments of being a student. Now, I face the consequences.
Am I to blame for not focusing my energies on searching for a job earlier? Was I running away? Am I to blame for not being able to get some certainty over my future? Am I less competent than my peers? Do I thus, have lesser worth? And I am genuinely troubled by these questions, even though they are a direct consequence of my earlier choice. The defence mechanism inside me would try, in futile, to convince me otherwise. You started the job search about the same time as many of your peers. You have sent in many many applications as well. Your grades are even better than your friends so you don't worth less. But these explanations proved unsatisfying, and I find myself wallowing in a complete devaluation of self, guilt, and fear.
It is then, I went on this 40 day journey, where I began to see the cracks in my earlier assumptions. Most fundamentally, I had tied the value of myself to something quantifiable, first grades, and then whether I have a job. I had tied the whole meaning of my life, my competence, my character, to the sole tangible factor of getting results. Whether it was in school or employment, I had based my existence on creating certainty in my life. I have to know that I will get a good grade, and if I am unsure, a huge dose of insecurity will set in. I have to know that I will find a good job, worthy of my (self-inflated) abilities, and now that I am uncertain, the same insecurities and fear set in. It was thus a very very shaky basis for my self esteem. Because in life, we can never really be certain about our futures. What we can be certain, however, is what we are doing in the present. Thus, to live on future certainty is futile. Once we accept that uncertainty is part of our lives, once we accept the present, and be aware of our current actions, we have a clear mind to begin the future.
I am also thankful that I have this gap to truly reflect. The valedictorian for our commencement succinctly summarised , "It is through failures that we get to reinvent ourselves, that we grow." I cannot agree more. It is through this period of disappointment and frustration that I am forced to reloook at the way I had been perceiving myself. And I now have the space to correct those past assumptions, to relocate the basis of my self-esteem, to develop and to learn to accept myself.
I have now begun to explore meditation and Buddhism. Not for the sake of seeking religious solace, but to understand my parent's way of life. And perhaps, to open an avenue for myself to grow.
I am in a transition in my life. I have graduated but I have no certainty over my future. It is during this period of immense pressure, as I see my peers getting their jobs and on with life, that I began to question the assumptions I held dear about myself. All along, I had somehow assumed that my good grades in university surely meant something. I have worked hard, I got my results, and surely that proves my "abilities" and that someone, some company, would surely appreciate and hire me? I have tossed the question of securing a job to the back of my head, choosing instead to indulge in the last moments of being a student. Now, I face the consequences.
Am I to blame for not focusing my energies on searching for a job earlier? Was I running away? Am I to blame for not being able to get some certainty over my future? Am I less competent than my peers? Do I thus, have lesser worth? And I am genuinely troubled by these questions, even though they are a direct consequence of my earlier choice. The defence mechanism inside me would try, in futile, to convince me otherwise. You started the job search about the same time as many of your peers. You have sent in many many applications as well. Your grades are even better than your friends so you don't worth less. But these explanations proved unsatisfying, and I find myself wallowing in a complete devaluation of self, guilt, and fear.
It is then, I went on this 40 day journey, where I began to see the cracks in my earlier assumptions. Most fundamentally, I had tied the value of myself to something quantifiable, first grades, and then whether I have a job. I had tied the whole meaning of my life, my competence, my character, to the sole tangible factor of getting results. Whether it was in school or employment, I had based my existence on creating certainty in my life. I have to know that I will get a good grade, and if I am unsure, a huge dose of insecurity will set in. I have to know that I will find a good job, worthy of my (self-inflated) abilities, and now that I am uncertain, the same insecurities and fear set in. It was thus a very very shaky basis for my self esteem. Because in life, we can never really be certain about our futures. What we can be certain, however, is what we are doing in the present. Thus, to live on future certainty is futile. Once we accept that uncertainty is part of our lives, once we accept the present, and be aware of our current actions, we have a clear mind to begin the future.
I am also thankful that I have this gap to truly reflect. The valedictorian for our commencement succinctly summarised , "It is through failures that we get to reinvent ourselves, that we grow." I cannot agree more. It is through this period of disappointment and frustration that I am forced to reloook at the way I had been perceiving myself. And I now have the space to correct those past assumptions, to relocate the basis of my self-esteem, to develop and to learn to accept myself.
I have now begun to explore meditation and Buddhism. Not for the sake of seeking religious solace, but to understand my parent's way of life. And perhaps, to open an avenue for myself to grow.
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