NTU libraries

In the midst of doing my book review for minorities in SEA, I must say how very happy I am with the NTU libraries.

In fact, I'm in the Humanities and Social Science Library now. Well, there are at least 3 things that NTU libraries really win over NUS.

1) Entrance into NTU libraries doesn't require any access card. This is the kind of academic freedom and sharing of information that really empowers the knowledge-seeker, or just someone looking for a change in study environment.

2) There are so many books that cannot be loaned out in NUS, whereas they are available for loan in NTU. The 2 books that I'm required to review are either in the NUS library RBR (2-hour loan, which really amounts to nothing but time for photocopying wholesale), or not loanable. This is really quite frustrating because I have to read the entire book, and I want to read it whenever I can - waiting for the bus, on the train, before I sleep, etc. So being able to borrow the books out is fantastic. I can't wait to explore the rest of the library collections here!

3) Well, true to its name, Nanyang Technological University, there are power points at almost every desk! In this time and age when every student is armed with a laptop, power points are a necessity, not a luxury. But finding a power point in NUS is akin to reaching a oasis in the middle of a desert, Amen. Afterwards, you guard it with your life, or have to bring out the ultimate multi-plug adapter to share this precious spring of electricity. NUS should upgrade their wiring and power connections, really.

Oh wells. Time to get back to studies!

寂寞

我越来越觉得，在音乐的道路上，我是寂寞的。歌谣的朋友是很多，跟他们在一起是非常开心的事，但，不知道是自己把心封闭起来了，还是我们除了音乐没有其它共同点，总觉得没办法和他们谈心，聊一些内心最憔悴，最感性的话题。那夜，看见许多情侣公然示爱，乐手、歌手的好友都纷纷到来支持、献花，场面非常温馨。这些支持者都是歌谣演出的常客。几乎每次都会看到同一些观众。歌手乐手的才华和努力得到爱人好友的认可，我是为他们感到高兴的。

隔夜，跟一群好友出外。我跟他们聊起了以前的一位朋友，现在上电视，有机会当职业音乐人了。我为他感到兴奋，因为他一直以来的音乐路程走得不易，而且他是很努力，很有才华的。但朋友们都没答上，只是继续玩牌。其中一个我最在乎的说，“若你没发现，除了你，没人感到兴奋。你仰慕他是因为你们都是玩音乐的，但我们都不是玩音乐的。” 在那刹那，我突然感到好寂寞。玩得再好，玩得再有兴趣，那又怎样？到最后，观众席上是不会有人为你喝彩，不会有人为你献花。写过的歌，篇过的曲，也只是自得其乐，孤芳自赏。你真正在乎的人，也许偶尔会赏脸看你一两次演出。但毕竟兴趣不同，我是没办发跟他们分享我在音乐道路上有过的喜怒哀乐。

然而，在其它方面，这些朋友都是我精神的支柱。唉，人生总不能什么都得到的吧。也别强求什么了。

Enlightened in some ways and Confused in others

The conversation last friday left me truly enriched. I haven't felt this for so long - the intellectual stimulation from a meaningful discussion. Somehow, readings and tutorial discussions can never give me the same amount of satisfaction. Perhaps because they are too impersonal. In any case, I'm glad I went for the Erika Tan and Tan Pin Pin exhibition talk on friday event with wee keat. The exhibition is one thing, but the discussion after that with wk is amazing. For so long I was questioning the fundamentals of history - why is it different from other disciplines? What exactly is the historical method? Why do so many people say that history gives a strong analytical grounding? etc etc.. Finally, wk gave me some very concise and clear answers. They are by no means the only answers, but it is good start.

Do check out his blog.

Unfortunately, things aren't looking as rosey in other aspects of life. But I know that it is up to me to do anything. And I hope I do mean it this time, to gain back the trust.

Recently I've also signed up for a course. Don't really know how to describe it except to say that it is about personal development. It is really quite expensive, and I'm paying for it myself (at least for the first part of it, cos that's all I can afford). Oh wells. As I grow older, I feel that I'm losing the drive I once had in JC. Now, I feel so unmotivated to do a lot of things. My ideals remain, but the energy to act upon them seems to be slowly fading. Don't really know what I want now, and what would it takes for me to work for it. Ennui is the word, perhaps.

"Mr Tong, I have been seriously thinking about some of the things that you said last saturday. Needless to say, I was disturbed, and I can only be if what you said has an element of truth (albiet not a pretty one). More so, I was disturbed that I can be so easily shakened, that my so-called 'beliefs' can be so easily challenged and there is no line of defense I can make to attest the strength of my identity. You are right that I probably knew myself better 2 years ago. At least then, no matter how naive or idealistic my beliefs can be, they were strong and I stood by it. Now, it feels as if my identity is increasinly a scaldfold - shaky, superficial and unreal. You made me realise that it is a scaldfold, and now I'm more fearful to find out if there's anything concrete behind it at all. And because of that, I want to go for the course that you mentioned. To understand myself better, to face the 'real me' better. Am I going in with the right reasons and mentality?"

He answered yes. And thats why I'm more determined to go now. I've met Cynthia to sign the forms, and generally just to meet this fabulous lady. Haha. Wells, at some point I felt like crying, especially when she was telling me what Mr Tong said about me. "He said that you were one of his students, and you spoke out, you had a lot of drive, had ideals. But somehow, after 2 years of university, you became more and more jaded. So what are you jaded about?" I didn't realize that this was what I seem. I was literally lost for words. I feel jaded, but by what, and why? Am i losing the sparkle I had??

Taking the oath

Guess what I did the past hour?

Photoshop-ping my passport photo! lol. Here's the before:

And the after:

Actually, there's not a lot of difference except for the stray hair and the background. Haha. See I'm not hiao to the extend of adjusting every part of my face, unlike xiaxue.

I'm doing this cos I need to renew my passport soon. I did my oath of renunciation today. This is something that every child of immigrant citizens have to do when they turn 21, cos when we were admitted as citizens, we are still underaged and deemed not to be able to make independent decisions. So now that we're 21, we need to affirm our citizenship. Well, the whole process was pretty mechanical. Nothing too symbolic about it. The girl behind me even wore singlet, denim skirt and slippers for her oath taking. lol.

But if you ask me where my true allegiance lies, I can't say for sure that it is for Singapore. During my internship with MCYS, part of my work deals with policies for foreigner integration, and we often have to meet with these foreigner associations and the new immigrants. And I always can't help it but to reflect upon myself the very issues that affect our subjects. What is my identity?

And this quote always comes up in my mind:

Wandering between two worlds, one dead, The other powerless to be born.' - Matthew Arnold

Alright, I am exaggerating if I say that I feel this way. But the wandering between two worlds part is definitely true. My national identity is definitely not as strong as my local friends, and even up till today, there are still certain aspects of life which some consider to be 'truly Singaporean' that I am unaware of, or disapprove of. For example, I don't know what is Bah Chor Mee (Minced Pork Noodles) or Bah Kwa (Barbequed Pork Slice) until I entered JC. I don't know the meanings of many common hokkien words, and there are still many traditional chinese practices (performed only in Singapore) that I am oblivious to. I always feel that I am somewhat apart from the culture here, but yet for many years I am able to navigate around this society and the mindsets of Singaporeans. How Singaporean am I, when I rose up my right hand this morning to recite, "I solemnly swear that I bear true Allegiance to the Republic of Singapore"?

And yet, I can tell others that I come from Hong Kong, but actually know as little about it as an informed tourist looking from the outside. True enough, my parents often impart in me cultural values and habits which had formed in them in Hong Kong. I go back once a year to visit, and I am comfortable, even find it pleasurable to be in the vibrant city. But yet, my understanding of this place will never be as strong as my cousins.

When people say that they have no loyalty for Singapore, that is simply because they have no point of comparison. Try staying abroad for a good 5-10 years and say that again. As for me, although I won't say I'm not loyal to Singapore, the feeling is always somewhat distanced by my affection for Hong Kong as well. Eventually, perhaps the best way out is to stay where I am now, somewhat in, but somewhat out. In that way, I can always view both cultures with an eye for objectivity, and learn to live with the ambiguities of life.

Anyway, yesterday, my mom and I calculated my total income from my first job (Raffles City banquet) in 2007 till now. And I am damn amazed by how much I earn....

$13,662!!!!

OMG.. can't believe it man. I've actually earned so much within 2 years plus. That's an average of $455 a month from February 2007 till August 2009. Considering that I am a full time student most of the time, that is pretty impressive. Haha. That's thanks to the many tuition jobs, and working at SPH. But at the same time my tuition loan keeps rolling.. and my bank account is like one-sixth of the amount which really goes a lot to show my spending rates. Oh wells, so I'm still no way near enterprising.

Speaking of which, I did a quick career test thingy with Evonne and Sze Ying today. Bascially we had to tick the boxes which describe what we like (for eg, working in teams, helping people, caring for animals etc), and each box belong to a category like Artistic, Social, Conventional, Investigative, Enterprising etc. And I have no boxes ticked under the category of Enterprising. Lol..

Bah gotta go do my gender critique assignment now. Sheesh. Don't know where to start man.