郁闷中

入围心情溶剂啦。不知道为什么很矛盾，有时没什么感觉，有时却兴奋到睡不着。还是很不真实。本来参赛也只是玩玩，没想过入围会怎样，更何况入围的作品是两年前做的，所以还是很遥远很陌生的感觉。昨天还很起劲地想要重新编曲，唉怎么作了一整个上午只作了半个intro，啥都没弄成。也不知道怎么了，这一两年来做事情总提不起劲。有了很多念头，很多鬼主意，就是不能好好的完成，三分钟热度。总是不耐烦，不然就没信心延续下去。最郁闷的时候便沉醉在唯美的回忆之中。回忆成为了我的毒品。

现在我看着我打字的双手，二十二岁的手怎么看起来这么苍老啊？二十二岁的脸孔应该是什么模样？二十二岁的思维应该是怎么运作？二十二岁的我，糜烂中。

When the results are not enough to motivate me to study...

If the exam is 40% and consist of 2 questions, then each question is 20% of my final grade. So if I spend 5 days on an essay which is 20%, and get an A, then logically speaking I need to spend 5 days to prepare for one exam question too.

But I am simply not willing to part with that time for this exam. Sighs.

How do I motivate myself?!?!?

I really think that I am a person who does well in essays, because I feel like I am a participant in the process of developing my ideas. And I really hate exams because 2 hours is just not enough to develop ideas and create a better person. Blah.

funeral

Is this the beginning of an end?

I arrived at the Singapore Caskets, feeling a wrench in my stomach. I realize I was afraid. How does one speak and act at a funeral? The subject of death, a mere abstract concept in our youthful days, had now evolved to be a very tangible stage of life. More painfully, facing the deaths of others closest to us is also beginning to be an inevitable rite of passage.

As we paid our respects to the deceased and walked around the coffin, I dared not look in. Glimpses of him appeared like a wax figure in a museum behind a glass case, so peaceful and quiet. I really bear not to look in further. This knot in my heart tightened and I was secretly weeping for my imagined self in J. How would I react if the same thing happened to me? How could I react? Would I ever be that strong? Could I still cope with everything the way he did so well?

The inner voice in me reminds me of my weaknesses, and my fallibility, and I know I cannot. Not at least for now. But as we all lined up to hug him before we leave, I know we all saw something in his eye that is poignantly courageous. And I respect him from the bottom of my heart.

Take care, J. Although I had never known your father, I am sure that if he is watching you from above, he will be very proud of you.

I am leaving in less than 2 days time. Even took a cab to his house to want to spend more time with him, but he has been playing game from 5pm until now! It doesn't look like he wants to stop anytime.

=(

I'm sure he's aware that I want to spend time with him, but he is ignoring it. =(

=(

=(

=(

when will i ever learn to stand up for myself?

when will i ever have the courage to leave?

Withdrawal symptoms from a wonderful wedding (not mine duh)

Yes, this is what I am feeling now after all the excitement in the past weekend. It was Lawrence and Xuan Hui's wedding, which I was one of the sisters, the emcee and keyboard accompanist. From the planning, gatecrashing, tea ceremonies, lunch reception, to the hotel that we went afterwards, every step was something new to me. My physical and mental self went on a rollar coaster ride. Let me try to recount my weekend in detail.

Saturday

7.30am: Woke up early to pack my room a bit, and to practice my keyboard accompaniment. Lawrence will be coming at 9am to rehearse his song with me. He has indeed planned a surprise for Xh, which is to sing to her during the lunch reception. I think it is so brave and so sweet for him to do this. Yesterday night he decided to sing "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You" by Elvis Presley. Excellent song choice!

9am: He arrived and I tried to practice on my Triton LE. The sound is good but I didn't like the touch, which is absolutely essential during a live performance. So i switched back to my Yamaha CP33, which has a more organic sound and beautiful touch. Everything went on really well, as he is a good singer and very keen to improve too. He was coughing though. Could tell that the couple is really tired from months of preparation for their big day and the renovation of their new house. Hopefully they get to have a good rest after everything.

11am: Practice ended. Am meeting xh at Jurong Point for the sisters meeting, to discuss the games for the gatecrashing. Xh is also still coughing for almost a week now. We discussed some games and logistics. Afterwards, I finally bought a pair of decent shoes to wear on Sunday. The previous pair I bought was too tall. Wouldn't look good next to my fellow emcee, Weiliang.

2pm: Went home, rested a while, prepared my stuff for tomorrow. Practiced my keyboard somemore. Just couldn't get some notes right. Bahh... Also tried the hair curler. Effect is not bad.

6pm: Went out to meet batchmates for dinner and chill out. It was nice just hanging out with them. But somehow can feel that the topics are running dry and I don't know how to skillfully guide the conversation to something deeper. We have been talking about the need for the batch to grow as a group for some time now, but nothing seemed to have improved much. hmm..

9pm: Still with the batch at 1Caramel. Waiting for Lawrence to get back to us so Weiliang can get his van. Need to transport my keyboard on his van first. I guess he's still busy with the one million things to do before his big day.

12midnight: Lawrence finally got to us. We cabbed to his house to get the van and drove to my house. After loading the keyboard, Weiliang went home.

2.30am: After preparing the stuff I need for the next day, finally slept at around 2.30am.

Sunday

4.30am: My alarm didn't wake me up, but it did irritate my mom enough for her to wake up to reprimand me for waking her up. Haha. If not for her scolding I might sleep till 9am. Thanks mom, but sorry for disturbing your sleep! Washed up, did my hair and makeup. My eyes must have been too dry cos my contact lens from my left eye kept coming out. Took really long to finally get it back on and touch up on my makeup.

6.30am: Took a cab to xh's house. Monica and I arrived at the same time, and we were the earliest sisters. Soon after others also came, and we started to prepare the games. Wonderful 'breakfast' awaits the groom and his brothers!

8am: Groom party arrives. First station games commences. The guys had to line up and pass a seaweed using their mouth. Scandalous pictures abound! Second station was the breakfast station. They had to drink/eat the four main flavours - Sour, Sweet, Bitter and Spiciness. I had contributed my balsamic vinegar for Sour, whereas Sweet consisted of maple syrup mixed with condense milk, Bitter was double expresso, and Spiciness was crackers smeared with chilli sauce. Seemed like it wasn't a challenge to them at all! While bargaining for the red packet, they had the cheek to give us only $8 for the first one! But afterwards they gave a bigger one of course. We wouldn't let them in otherwise.

In the house, the groom still couldn't get in until he sang a song and read out loud his vows. It was a really touching moment because on top of the 10 vows printed, Lawrence added 2 more of his own. I thought I saw a tear dripped on the paper when he said "11. I will die before you, or sacrifice for you. 12. No matter what in life, you will always come before me." I had that gush of emotions inside me too.

8.30am - 11am: Lawrence finally got through the door and unveiled the bride. Left for Groom's house, had some simple tea ceremony, then left for new house. By the time we left for The Pines, it was 11am already. Weiliang was evidently anxious about the short amount of time he had to do the video for the 2nd montage.

THE LUNCH RECEPTION

Finally reached The Pines at 11.30am. It was then a mad rush to set up everything, do the video, change, rehearse a bit of emcee script, etc etc etc. Craziest thing happened cos the team leader didn't allow me to plug the keyboard into the mixer!!! He said he wanted a DI box to prevent the risk of tripping the power for the entire place. I was super frustrated and flustered at that point. I couldn't blame him for making this requirement because we also didn't inform him earlier we're having a surprise song item which required a keyboard.

I called David from Novelty Music immediately, and asked him for help. Although he didn't have a DI box in his shop, he told us exactly where to get the box, so we saved a lot of time and energy scurrying for the box. As I couldn't make my way down myself to buy, I asked Chiu Weng to help me get it from Bras Basah using Kevin's car. Extremely thankful for both of their help!! Was also very nervous about the performance as I haven't even tested the system before, don't know if the box would work.

Meanwhile we went on and off the stage to read our emcee lines. Didn't feel that we did a very good job. Really sounded like we read off the script. Wasn't natural or personal sounding. Could tell that Weiliang is also stressed out, as he had to rush the video as soon as we left the stage. Managed to finish the video at the very very last moment. Had some problems with quality and sound, but everything solved right before their second march in. Phew!!

The time to play the surprise performance item was finally here! I nervously started playing the first notes, and Lawrence started singing. But all my stage fright melted away when Xuan Hui was moved to tears. The sentimentality of the song welded with my fingers, and I was able to improvise on the spot without any fear. Hah. I had never felt such a strong emotional connection with any other performances I had before. This is definitely a good thing and i should strive for more of these moments in my performances in the future! Anyway, the song ended with the crowd asking for more. In the end Lawrence sang another song, Pearlie Shells, which I had never heard before so I couldn't accompany for him. The crowd was obviously still unsatiated by then, and requested for the bride to sing. They then decided on Howie Day's Collide. I could play the song on keyboard, but they needed the mp3 to follow the lyrics. Actually even though a accompanist can adjust according to the singer, it is harder to follow live accompaniment than mp3 or karaoke, cos there are less audio cues from live music.

Fastforward to the end of reception. After most of the guests had left, and some of the OA ppl had remained, we showed them the video re-enactment of Lawrence and Xuan Hui's love story. Yours truly had acted as Xuan Hui, and Lawrence was played by Wei Jian. Gosh. We had to virtually and literally bury our faces when the video was shown cos there were really so many embarassing scenes. But it was really so touching that the couple was lost for words, and could only thank us by bowing to us and hugging us one by one.

As the couple was settling the bill, we came across one of the most persistent man we've ever encountered. Shall not go into the details, but the summary is that this husband of a friend's kept wanting to drag Lawrence away for a drink after the wedding. He persisted despite his wife and child begged him to go, all the sisters telling him that the bride and groom need to go somewhere else, and he was so persistent that he waited for 3 hours while the couple settled the bill with the manager. All the tussling, bargaining etc ended when they just drank one cup from the cafe at The Pines. By the time we left it was alhready 6pm. The lunch ended at around 3.30pm. Could you imagine how much time he had wasted for us? Gosh.

6.30pm: While Lawrence and Xuan Hui went back to parents house, a few of us checked in to St. Regis Hotel first. It was a complimentary 2 night stay from The Pines. Alright, shall continue tmr. I'm tired. haha. just to keep the suspense up, St Regis is a 6 star hotel with exceptional service and decor!!