funeral

Is this the beginning of an end?

I arrived at the Singapore Caskets, feeling a wrench in my stomach. I realize I was afraid. How does one speak and act at a funeral? The subject of death, a mere abstract concept in our youthful days, had now evolved to be a very tangible stage of life. More painfully, facing the deaths of others closest to us is also beginning to be an inevitable rite of passage.

As we paid our respects to the deceased and walked around the coffin, I dared not look in. Glimpses of him appeared like a wax figure in a museum behind a glass case, so peaceful and quiet. I really bear not to look in further. This knot in my heart tightened and I was secretly weeping for my imagined self in J. How would I react if the same thing happened to me? How could I react? Would I ever be that strong? Could I still cope with everything the way he did so well?

The inner voice in me reminds me of my weaknesses, and my fallibility, and I know I cannot. Not at least for now. But as we all lined up to hug him before we leave, I know we all saw something in his eye that is poignantly courageous. And I respect him from the bottom of my heart.

Take care, J. Although I had never known your father, I am sure that if he is watching you from above, he will be very proud of you.