that moment

A million thoughts sprinkled on my mind like water on a lawn. I feel this excruciating pain somewhere between my chest and my nose, as if the epicentre of this pain is somewhere outside of my body and is radiating towards my nose and chest. The weight of the pain is probably caused by a certain memory, or the memory of a certain sentiment somewhere in time.

I miss that moment terribly, and reading Norwegian Wood solidifies that. Somewhere, in Toru's loss I saw mine too, and we both wept. I felt terribly disturbed by the many things outside now, so much that I lose focus on my internal feelings. Why do I have to be afraid to want to feel what I feel?

I am so lost in this stream of consciousness, and nothing seems coherent or made any sense. My mind keeps racing back to that day, that moment, that lost moment. Because of that moment, I now have a stinging regret lodged in me. It was really nothing to be brave about, if I were really to take that opportunity, or not. But it was just a lost moment that I revisit every so often to contemplate, what if things turned out differently? Would I be happier or more confused or be living in shit now? And I found myself finding all possible ways to relive the sentiments of that moment. The past few mornings had me half-conscious in bed, dreaming and yearning for that moment to happen again. But it will never happen again. I have missed it, lost it, and that's probably what makes it so unforgettable and regrettable.

Norwegian Wood had probably awakened a part of me, the dreamy, desolated, decadent side of me. It may not be a good thing to be so involved in my own world now, given that I am merely stepping out to face the society. But the more I expose myself in the day, the more I needed to close myself up at night, and indulge in my own world. This is what's keeping me going, keeping my mind balanced, keeping my life on the mill. What if I decided to usurp this balance? What if I could never again come out of my own world? I worry and worry until I am so tired that I fall asleep, and wake up feeling like I'm in a parallel universe, where people are still people but there's something different, detached about them. And places are still places but its outlines make little sense to me. I wake up feeling like I have slept a million years and meanwhile the world has reborn, re-evolved, and redeveloped to the point that exactly matched my last waking memory.

And as I looked down at the last page I stopped, the whole world will turn normal again.